Jo Weldon

A SIREN'S CALL
A Story about Producing the Follies Fromage at Burlesque at the Beach!

By Jo Weldon

This article was originally presented at Tease-o-Rama, 2003.

“Boobs!”

This is what I hear when I answer the phone, because Boobs is my name. I’m Jo Boobs at the moment. I didn’t choose this as a stage name; I wanted to be Mademoiselle Cayenne, or Fanny Fromage. However, my very dear friend Whitney is married to artist Joe Coleman, and whenever she would answer the phone in my presence she’d say, “Jo’s here.” The person on the other end would say, “Oh, tell him hello!” and she’d say, “No, Jo Boobs is here.” So, what Boobs really means is “not-Coleman.”

When I began performing at the Blue Angel, then co-producer Remy Vicious began introducing me as Jo Boobs. Shortly thereafter Angie Pontani put “Jo Boobs” on a flier, and the name became cemented. Now when I walk out onto a stage the audience yells, “Boooooobs!” It shocks audience members who don’t know the name—they think I’m being booed. But it’s a call of recognition and affection.

The dearest friend who just called me on the phone continues, “It’s Bambi.” As if I didn’t know.

Bambi is the person who for me into this crazy burlesque world by inviting me to perform at a notorious seasonal event called “Daddy’s Chicken,” where I performed as the Sugar Plum Fairy and pulled sugar plums out of my…ahem. I had been friends with Bambi for years before I discovered her talents. She creates freak pinups loosely based on vintage posters from the Coney Island Sideshow, such as the Dog-Faced Girl and the Lobster Girl. She is famous for her burlesque act in which she comes out wearing a feathered chicken mask and at the end lays a golden egg, an act which won her the honor of second runner-up in the 2003 Miss Exotic World contest.

“Are you very, very excited, Boobsie?” Bambi continues.

I AM very, very excited. Prone to over-stimulation at the easiest of times, I am at this point pressing the limits of my endurance for pure glee. Bambi is referring to the fact that I am currently in the final stages of producing my first-ever show for Coney Island’s Burlesque at the Beach series. Bambi and the head producer, the Great Fredini, have bestowed upon me this exceptional honor based upon the strength of my single previous production, a burlesque salute to the Ramones called “Hubba Hubba Hey.” All of the other producers in the B at the B series, such as Bonnie Dunn, The Bombshell Girls, the World Famous Pontani Sisters, and Kate Valentine of the Vavavoom Room, are seasoned professionals. I am ridiculously green by comparison, and Bambi is cheerfully helping me.

Bambi asks, “Did you decide which act you’re doing?”

I’m hosting my own show, and will be wearing a pink satin French maid’s costume and pink wig. I will be Miss Fanny Fromage (at last!) and I will be carrying around trays of crudités during intermission. I have been memorizing bad cheese puns, many provided by Whitney, for days. I’ve also been researching dairy trivia for the trivia section of my show. I’ve been debating whether to leave on the costume and do my toe-cheese act to Frank Zappa’s “Dirty Love,” or to leave the stage and change for another act. Int his case, I’ve decided to go with Dirty Love. I think Frank would have enjoyed the number.

“I’m working on my big cheese,” Bambi tells me.

I have insisted that Bambi be the big cheese, since she is, after all, the queen of Coney Island and the poster girl for Coney island’s annual Mermaid Parade. She’s planning to wear a large cardboard wedge of cheese and dance to what she describes as “some crazy yodeling song.” Bambi has a unique vision and a delicately disturbing stage presence that will make this, I am sure, one of the more entertaining Swiss misses we’ve encountered.

“What will everyone else be doing?” She asks.

Bunny Love, who is famous for sitting on food, will be performing a cheescake routine, with the appropriately messy climax. Remy Vicious, who is rather goth, will be Lily Muenster Cheese. Kitty Diggins will be performing a fondue number. Philomena of the Bindlestiff Family Cirkus will be performing a “cheesy” Sophie-Tucker-esque routine. Julie Atlas Muz will be performing “Say Cheese” and her infamous “Backwards Cow” number. Lukki will be American Cheese.

World Famous Bob had been planning to be Velveeta, and I had begged the Pontani Sister to be pizza slices, but they were on tour. I’ll miss them.

“Do you need help with the wine bath?”

Bambi and Fred have been staging a wine bath at the end of each of the B on the B series shows. The wine bath has a distinguished history on account of Tirza, a burlesque star of the 1930s and 1940s who performed a wine bath at Coney Island in her own show. When the B on the B series started, they called in “Tirza’s Wine Bath” in affectionate salute to this tradition, but Tirza sued for infringement, and now it’s called “Teaser’s Wine Bath.” “Who knew she was still alive?” Fred mused when confronted with the cease and desist.

I do need help with the wine bath, and Bambi arranges for Tyler Fyre, who is a fire-eating, sword-swallowing escape artist, and one of the stars of the current sideshow, to assist me.

“Okay! I will talk to you later, Boobsie! This is very, very exciting!”

It is. I can’t wait to take that long ride on the F train to Coney Island, to see the lights of Astroland as I cruise in with my huge bags of props and cheese. I can’t wait to walk past the thrilling curves of the 75-year-old Cyclone rollercoaster, to walk by the Eldorado bumper cars where a recorded voice exhorts corn-dog munching passersby to “Bump bump bump your ass off!” To walk into the sideshow where I first saw Julie Atlas Muz, Dirty Martini, and Tigger performing their dazzling and bizarre burlesques. To mount the stage that’s a legend in my mind, where many a sword has been swallowed, and many a flame, and many a cricket chewed by a lady with a tattooed face. To face my first audience at Coney Island, and to say, “Ladies and Gentlemen, I bring you New York Burlesque at its dairy best. Welcome to the Follies Fromage!”

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